***Trigger Warning***

From the time I was a young girl, I always knew I wanted to join the military. I would watch my dad put on his fatigues and shine his boots. I use to wait impatiently for the “bring your child to work day”. When the national anthem would play I would stand at attention and salute. I always knew that I would join the military myself one day. I may have taken the scenic route but I was ecstatic to when my time came. I was so proud to finally get the chance to serve my country and be among people who would be of like mind and purpose as me. Unfortunately, though that is not what happened and my world has been completely turned upside down.

Within the first year of me being in the military I was hazed by my leadership. I took it proudly because I felt it was a rite of passage. I just wanted to be accepted into the fold and was willing to wait for things to level out but they never did. I experienced sexual harassment and assault by men who were higher ranking than me and in positions of power. I was stalked in my barracks room on more than one occasion. I had to run to a friend’s house on base for safety. I tried to report him but he told me how he would get off due to who he knew and no one would believe me. To make a long story short that is exactly what happened and after the ordeal he even picked up rank. Throughout that span of time I was tortured mentally. I felt like the military had let me down. I spiraled down to the point of attempted suicide. Granted I was able to bounce back with fire after that and was determined to not allow the situation to take away something I wanted. I just knew down in my heart that things would not be like that always and that I could not allow it to paint the military experience as a whole. So I fought my way out and became a top ranking sailor in my department at Balboa. One day though I was falsely accused of things while working and was forced to work with the officers who made the allegations. My life then began to feel like a constant fight all over again. It hadn’t even been a year since the assault case was closed and wounds were still painful from the experience. I knew that I had not done what all they said I did but I was told to take it because of things I did not understand.

They proceeded to tell me how they didn’t think that I was going to get in that much trouble until next thing I know I am standing in legal with them telling me I was going to NJP. That event saddened by heart. I suffered with anxiety, depression, weight gain, nightmares, self-hatred but the worse was a broken heart. I requested for my case to go to court martial because I knew I was not guilty of what they said I did. I did not want my good name and hard work to be overshadowed by lies. To sum it up in the end the Commanding Officer served me with a notice of dismissal from military service with a general discharge. Once again, God lite a fire in me to fight. I took out a loan to get a legal representative to help salvage and prove my case. I just knew that my journey was not done. There was still so much I wanted to do and be in the Navy. The main one was going to Field Med School to have the opportunity to serve the US Marine Corps. God, saw me through the ordeal of legal. I ended up taking the punishment and it once again broke my heart. I did not understand how I could be treated so poorly even though all I ever wanted to do was excel and bring others along with me. My depression, anxiety, trust issues, weight gain, and loss of interest in things I use to love only intensified. I prayed and asked God daily to give me something to believe in and keep me in the fight because I felt I was not done yet. It was then shortly after the NJP that I received orders to Field Med. I felt like it was my redemption and the sign of a turning point in my career. I pulled myself together the best I could and started doing what I could to motivate myself. I felt I needed to keep moving forward because there had to be light beyond my next obstacle. When the time came I went to Field Med a bundle of nerves but hopeful. I put my heart and soul into the curriculum and assisted others with their journey. My first time going through the course I failed due to injuring my leg muscle on the third day but I kept my head in the game and helped others around me to make sure they passed. I just knew the next class it was mine for the taking. I had been through so much and had fought to be where I was.

Unfortunately, I did not pass the second time either. My heart was sad but I knew I had gave it my all. Then, COVID was in full effect. I told myself that I was going to help the people going through even if I didn’t make it, but, it was at that time that my life was completely shattered. On the 4th of April 2020, I was sexual assaulted in my barracks room in my sleep by an instructor from Field Med. I woke up in time to see him dress and leave taking my clothing and blankets. Wiping down my door and window as he left. I was in shock. I felt like I missed something, I didn’t understand why me. I didn’t know him like that, he broke in through my window of my room to unlock my door to have his way with me. I haven’t been the same since. My world has been one of hypervigilance, anxiety, major depression and insomnia due to my fear of going to sleep. My trust for military leadership has been destroyed. I feel like I am always having to watch my back especially around the males who have power. I have resulted to making myself small for the purpose of survival. I can’t even fulfill my duties as a corpsman because being alone with patients makes me just as nervous as being with leadership. I have sleepless nights even on medication and experience sleep paralysis scared that someone might break into my apartment while I’m sleeping. I have developed an eating disorder where I feel I am fat so I will rarely eat due to I feel so ugly when I see myself now. I cry all the time because I wonder why these things had to happen to me. I wanted to be the person who stays in the military till I was forced out because of my age or maxed out my years. I see now that for some reason that just won’t happen for me now. I am still dealing with the pain and suffering of healing. My road is still very long. I wonder if I was stubborn to stay in after the first assault and this was destined to happen due to me being a minority and a woman. I still ask myself why me, when this is all I have ever wanted to do. It’s only God that I am still alive. My spirit is broken but on the mends slowly. It is with a very mournful heart to admit that my journey is over. My greatest fear right now is that the military will not help me take care of myself after all that has happened. I never went to war in the since of OCONUS but I feel I have fought on domestic soil without ever having to leave anywhere. Even now as I type this I am very tearful and sad. I can only hope that my words will be heard and felt.