***Trigger Warning***

I was upstairs in the dorm dayroom hanging out with other service members. We were playing pool, drinking socially even though it’s not permitted to drink in the common area. The drinking age in Europe during this time was 18. I had to use the restroom and just below the day room was a friend I would occasionally play computer games with. I believe I knocked and asked if I could use his latrine because my room was located quite further. As I was about to say goodbye and thank you he asked me if I would like to take a drink with him. I don’t remember much other than moments of him assaulting me. And the feeling of hopelessness. I was taken back to a place I was when I was child. The shame I carried was reopened as I struggled to climb the brick stairs to my floor. The warm shower water burning me and the memory of me investigating why.. and seeing the blood water at my feet. I was ashamed it happened to me as a grown ass man. How could I let this happen? I still struggle even after reporting to Investigators. I still see images of his silhouette when I close my eyes. I no longer allow myself to be alone if I can help it.. or be alone with another man. I lost the part of me that felt like a man. I live life in fear and trying to live how the therapist tell me to. No amount of mindfulness, meditation, medications can ever take away the effects of what I experienced. I only write this to give the next person the courage to speak out when they have the same fears and shame too.