***Trigger Warning***

Not sure where to start. I’m 50 years old. Life’s been a struggle. I joined the army. Being groomed for Communications, Airborne school and eventually hope’s of retiring. During one of my Schools of training, one evening, I entered the latrine. While I was cleaning, I was grabbed from behind by the person behind me. He put a knife to my throat, forced me on the ground. There was another individual who held my legs. I was young and strong, but I could not escape. I tried. But failed. The two men sexually assaulted me. That ended up in rape. After the incident, I remember crawling to the corner into a stall and and I remember, the feeling that my life was over. I could not grasp what had just happened. A million different emotions flooded in my brain. After a few hours, I left. I remember going to the nearest bar and drinking until I couldn’t feel any more. While walking back to the barracks, I must have passed out. I remember waking up in a hospital. I remember the medical staff asking. And I remember the feeling of being ashamed, embarrassed, angry, I did not answer them. I remember the staff sergeant asked me what had happened. I told him what had happened and he didn’t say a word. The next day, I remember top first sergeant, and first class,and a staff sergeant entered my barracks. They told me I faced very serious charges and several article fifteens. I asked them what reason, they replied with bogus reasons. The staff sergeant took me to the side and asked me if I wanted to press charges against the attackers from the previous day. He then said that he could probably make all this go away if I decide not to continue. I then realized if I continued, the retaliation against me would be severe. Throughout my military career I was changed my life had been destroyed my world was flipped upside down and soon came symptoms of PTSD, anxiety, deep depression, physical issues, and traumatic brain injury from my head being slammed on the ground later on in my career my symptoms Increased to the point I was physically mentally spiritually dead. I remember being discharged under personality disorder so the military didn’t have to pay benefits when I left the military. I became an investigator worked for six to seven years but then that too ended because of PTSD and all my mental illness. I did not work for several years. Life was about survival every day worrying about money employment health care of which I had none. Finally in 2021 I filed compensation claim for PTSD with the veteran affairs. I submitted over 500 PDF files of hospital stays, psychiatric instaces, several suicide attempts, and after eight months I was awarded 100% service connected disabled veteran status total and permanent. For the first time now I had access to mental health care in VA health I soon realized how much of a toll the sexual trauma took all my life. It affected every asset and every part of my life in others who were close to me I pretty much lost everything. A wife, a house, a job, sanity. I’ve been with the VA a year and a half now and have realized support for male victims of sexual trauma are non existent with the VA. Furthermore even talking about my trauma has been a struggle. The last month or so has been the first time I’ve decided to deal with the trauma. I’ve realized if I remain quiet then others will have to go through the same that I’ve gone through. I’m new in trying to get help, I’ve hit many dead ends, I’m glad I found this place. The struggle is real, financially ruined had to sell everything I own for psychiatric hospitals private sector because I did not qualify for VA Healthcare, denied Social Security disability because lacking of eight work credits because I couldn’t work with the VA because of my PTSD discharged personality disorder misdiagnosis. My career in the military was cut short with no justice and not much help when it comes to MST. I’m still alone I just get paid a small amount monthly to keep my mouth shut.